The World's Largest Crossword Puzzle, For the World's Loneliest Guy

Yet another entry from the odious pages of SkyMall - the world's largest crossword puzzle - for the world's loneliest bachelor. Still smarting from his recent layoff and divorce, our hero decides its time to make a serious dent in his latest purchase, with a ZIMA fueled 3 day marathon session. Let's listen in:

"OK... OK... focus! Got to go easy on the ZIMA bro, you only have two 4-packs left... I think I need some more Chex Party Mix to coat my tummy. OK where was I... Aha! Just a quick glance in the convenient 3,286-page guide... what's a 8 letter word for 'very, very sad'? Hmmm..."

Meeoowwch!

A get well card from a gift/scrapbooking/yarn shop in Maine, which appears to have carried the same stock since 1972. I was stopped dead in my tracks by the plight of Mr. Fluffington however. Shouldn’t puns this bad be illegal?

Regardless, it seems he’s had a bit of an run in with a car tire, though I’m sure with enough overindulgence and expensive medical care (no driving over the border to Canada for him - only the highest jacked-up US medical fees will do!) he’ll be purrfectly fine. Or is that pawfectly?

Which reminds me, why aren’t there cards like this that say meowtherf***er? Now that’s a card I would buy without hesitation. And my respect for the store that carried it would rise exponentially too.

I actually thought about buying this and sending it as a joke, but the thought of keeping a card around in case one of your friends gets sick was, well, sick. Also I don’t know that many people who could absorb such toxic levels of snark while still recuperating...

The Legends of McRib

A screenshot from a sports website(?). Seems the infamous McRib sandwich is making a comeback, and false tales of it’s lightning inducing (as opposed to its actual vomit-inducing) prowess are hittin’ the airwaves. I have to admit to trying one of these years (decades?) ago when it first came out, and it was one of the most disgusting, disquieting things i’ve ever eaten - which is saying something. It was a vaguely meatish lump stamped into a vaguely rib-rack shape - sans bones of course, slathered with ‘bbq’ sauce and onion bits. If ever there was a soylent green product on the market, this is it. For those of you who don’t know what soylent green is... its’ people! soylent green is people!

Age? So What!

A billboard in Causeway Bay, exhorting older women to defy their fear of aging by preying upon their fear of... aging. Initially I included this for the utterly baffling exclamation point. After all HK is saturated with such ads, invariably displaying a svelte 110 pound starlet who used to weigh a shocking 125. While this kind of marketing is hardly unique to HK, they do seem to take it a bit too far here. Take for example the featured image: what appears to be a defiant shot across the bow of decrepitude–look she's 45 and chewing bubble gum!–its actually a shot at 45 year old women, who will (gasp) look their age unless they utilize the latest miracle slimming and skin-rejuvenation treatments...

-40˚Freeze Dried Perfection

A rather brutal but effective new treatment from the beauty experts over at Fancl. Seems all you need to preserve that eternally youthful complexion is a blast of -40˚ C freeze dry (-40˚Fahrenheit as well, surprisingly enough). Of course there's a minor downside - your face becomes as fragile as those liquid nitrogen-dipped flowers they're always shattering in HD commercials. So yes your skin looks flawless, but don't smile - not even a self-satisfied smirk. As the saying goes, 'beauty knows no pain', but beauty never had to clean up freeze-dried cheek fragments...



Eau de Pizza Hut

For all you Pizza Hutters(?) who secretly wished you could smell just like your favorite mutant pizza. No, really. Just looky here:



From an official fluff press release:

“Taking a cue from Internet nerd culture, Canada’s Pizza Hut has launched a marketing campaign based on a joke from its Facebook page: the creation of Pizza Hut perfume. The joke turned into a reality when the food chain’s advertising agency thought it would be a great way to commemorate its milestone of reaching 100,000 Facebook fans.

But sadly, Eau de Pizza Hut, a scent “boasting top notes of freshly baked, hand-tossed dough,” (my italics) will only be shipped to a few of said fans. ”For now, we’ve only produced 110 bottles of Eau de Pizza Hut,” said Beverley D’Cruz, marketing and product development director for Pizza Hut Canada. ”But who knows what the future has in store,” she added. Until then, the rest of us will have to smell like Pizza Hut pizza the old-fashioned way.”

Which I suppose means rubbing a spare slice all over your face and chest? Oh to be one of those lucky 110, or their girlfriends. Assuming they have girlfriends. Well if they don’t now, they most certainly will after splashing on some of this instant chick magnet. After all, what sexy lady can ignore ‘top notes of hand-tossed dough’?