Crystal. Winkie. Regen. Cheeky Girl.

A bus stop ad for Hotcha's latest album, Shall We Shall We Dance Love. Interesting band name too; the term 'hotcha' was big about what, 70 years ago? Why not call yourselves 'flapper', or 'charleston'? Anyway the titles etc are pretty tame by HK standards; its the list of names at the lower right that got my attention. Seems we have Crystal, Winkie, and Regen, Cheeky Girls all. Perhaps they are all rather cheeky individually, but collectively form a singularity of pure Cheeky Girl energy, ready to be unleashed in a veritable Dance Love explosion. Shall we shall we? Oh yes, we shall...

American Ingenuity on (Thanksgiving) Parade - Frito Lay Twinkie Stadium

While researching images for a Thanksgiving presentation at my youngest daughter's school, I googled thanksgiving, football, snacks etc. and stumbled upon this abomination. It seems some enterprising souls have constructed the Ultimate Snack Experience: Frito Lay Twinkie Stadium...



We begin with three-tiered walls of twinkies - and yes those are bacon strips 'reinforcing' the corners. Next we have 'stands' filled to capacity with doritos, chex party mix, cheetos, and nacho chips. The 'field' is made up of 3-inch deep guacamole, nacho cheese dip, and salsa. The 'players' are vienna sausages, with either cheddar or swiss cheese 'helmets'. Clever. And finally the goal posts are made of expertly-toothpicked slim jims. And it comfortably seats over 250,000 calories!

I can only imagine the weeks of planning that went into this; I'm also surprised it doesn't crash through the table. And while this monstrosity could literally feed a village for a week, the ten or so midwesterners at the party will no doubt finish this off by half time of the second game, tops...

Prada Mind Control

A rather bizarre Prada (even by their standards) sunglass ad. Apparently wearing these will allow Prada to broadcast 'flashes of inspiration' directly into your brain, as illustrated by a circa 1970 radar antenna and bolt of lightning; well its a working theory anyway...

Dogs Go Wacko for Schmackos

More preposterous doggie snacks, these imported from the US. Like the world needs 'real meat' doggie snacks, or like most dogs care about things like flavor. Of course here in HK you'd find some yappy little emperor pampered enough to turn down 'fake' liver (or anything less than truffled filet mignon for that matter) but I digress...

Perhaps they're going for a more kosher angle, with the Yiddish name and authentic liverwurst tang. One of those ideas that makes me wonder if the creators have any sense of humor. I assume they've got TV spots lined up as well, with a gravel-voiced, spittle-spraying spokesdog ... "And remember kidschsss - dogsss go wacko for sscchhhmackosss!" Then they squeegee off the camera, and cut to a mouth-watering pile of dessicated straps of liver. Fadeout. Magic.

Girlish Pretty + Delicacy = 1+1(M)ORE

Two huge billboards on the WTC arcade in Causeway Bay. The tagline - and the bizarre outfits - epitomize HK's ongoing quest for girly cuteness and uberfashion. If only some brave fashion outlet would combine the two... Quite a combo as well - pillbox hat, old world parisian ruffles, chaste schoolgirl ankle socks, and 5" heels with yard-long bows.



There's another towering ad outside. I'm guessing this one is based on a Victorian harlequin lamp - haute indeed. Wonder if that golden light really shines down from the lampshade/skirt though...

Apparently 'Haute Couture + Lifestyle = MORE' also. Note that the 'M' is actually a stylized 1+1, for reasons known only to the ad agency. So... according to my admittedly rusty arithmetic... girlish pretty + delicacy = 1+1(m)ore = haute couture + lifestyle. Any questions?



Ireland's Potato Can't be Joked, Just Like... Marriage?

A surprisingly popular french fry joint in Causeway Bay. Interesting name - must be one big potato. And how did they transport it to HK? Oh well, much preferable to 'Ireland's Cabbage'. To their credit they must make damn good fries - there's alway at least a 20 person queue whenever I've happened by.

Anyway I was struck by the rather odd jack-o-lantern logo, and the even more bizarre inclusion of a lightning bolt. What does a jack-o-lantern have to do with fries (or lightning)? Ours is not to question, laddy - just eat your fooken chips. Also the slogan is one for the ages:

There are two things in the world that can't be joked: 1. marriage 2. potato

Links to Other Satire/Humor Offerings

Updated links to some of my other satire/humor offerings. Hope you enjoy them.


Feathertale: Bonobos, Transmogrified Barbie Library & Tangential Insights

http://www.feathertale.com/Fiction/quoted_scenes.htm

http://www.feathertale.com/Fiction/said_spew.htm

http://feathertale.com/Fiction/barbie.htm


McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Yub Jub Means Devour the Weak & Progressive Cowpoke

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2009/6/2mcardle.html

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2008/8/8mcardle.html


The Big Jewel: Shaolin Monks & Quimby's Revenge

http://www.thebigjewel.com/tag/dan-mcardle/


Monkeybicycle: Circumstances Under Which I will Bite

http://monkeybicycle.net/old-archive/McArdle/bite.html


Also I have quite a few pieces up on Yankee Pot Roast. Even got my own archive (actually everybody gets an archive, but it sounds impressive...)

http://www.yankeepotroast.org/archives/daniel_mcardle/

Here are a few of the better ones:

http://www.yankeepotroast.org/archives/2009/08/brutally_realis.html

http://www.yankeepotroast.org/archives/2009/01/thomas_jefferso.html

http://www.yankeepotroast.org/archives/2008/07/other_entities.html

http://www.yankeepotroast.org/archives/2008/07/over_the_partit.html

http://www.yankeepotroast.org/archives/2008/06/we_will_stop_at.html

Monomaniacal

An aptly named metrosexual(?) salon in Wanchai. They apparently do manicures, discreet waxings, and eyebrow plucking, as well as the perfect 'bedhead/anime' and 'swooping/baby curl' haircuts. Can't think of a better moniker considering their clientele though; I guess "Narcissism" was taken...

Possibly the "Spongiest" in Town

A blurb on a local HK tissue brand's packaging. I love the phrasing; why not "we could be in error, but we are relatively confident that this could indeed be the spongiest." Definitely top three...



They also have a product that purports to (possibly) be the 'thriftiest'. Can paper towels be thrifty? I suppose it sounds better than 'stingiest'...

Liang Mo Modules Are Descendants of Ape-Man Mutation, Ultra-Deep V Bananas

This is the google translator's attempt at deciphering a Chinese web article about 'planet of the liang mo', banana baby etc. I felt it worth including here in its entirety. Its a bit hard to muddle through at times, but well worth the effort. Enjoy.

Zhan Sir In addition to continuing cooperation with the four disciples, on the stage put a big smile shells, the publicity materials will be the embodiment of the upper mouth Liang Cheng 5 Die (LoBalla Beauty Lotion Bona, Cheapy Queeny He cheaper, Banana Baby coke often, Juicy Yummy plump mound and Hallow Kitty wearing according to grade), he would live to teach a whole module Jing Gong Lue : Big Breasts, Tong Yan / vest, hot pants / ice-cream, toothpaste, skin care cream / swimwear, sleepwear, Ultra-Deep V / bananas, milk, suck fingers / innocence, ignorance, pretending to cutie / low-level position, E CUP chest, so that those interested to join a generous mouth die Liang Ai-year Youth learn this upper nirvana...

I Liang Mo modules are descendants of ape-man mutation, a large number of cosmetic effects, and III-class photography posture, so that a successful invasion of the Earth's population Liang die. Whether Hong Kong Hong Kong men and women are unable to get rid of mold mouth Liang, Liang die last are reduced to a slave port. What Train Man can once again regain the rule of the earth right?

Sweat Time?

A poster from Times Square. I have no idea what this is supposed to do/be. I actually tried to find more info on this image on the internets, but nothing presented itself. Apparently it's supposed to inspire old ladies (with male bodies and a passing resemblance to the gueen?) to participate in field hockey, baseball, american football, and sweating. So much sweating that they literally begin to melt into their shoes and all over the floor...

May the Fond for Shopping be Appeased...

Promotional copy from our friends at Windsor Place (again). This is one of those odd little blurbs that adorn temporary construction partitions, and as such I wonder if anyone else has actually read it - surely not the guy who wrote it. HK is ablaze with signs like these, that appear to be composed by ancient software that randomly assembles similar words, like 'desire' and 'exquisite', into fancy sounding chains. These are then slapped up without the benefit of having a fluent speaker proof them for obvious errors or bizarre meanings. I actually thought about starting a firm to proofread stuff like this, assuming that anyone who put the time (and money) into such signage wouldn't want to look silly to english speaking clientele; but several locals pointed out that the english blurbs aren't for the native speakers, but for mainlanders and locals. Dress up anything with impressive sounding english words and it seems more 'classy'. Still these are more sublime than most:

May the fond for shopping be appeased in here by the freshness
Now is the time for a new reign in town...
Come upon your feet to excite your shopping spree...
Majestic piece of shopping heaven, beautiful exquisite renova(tion?)
Here we are. Never stops the shopping!




And finally this blurb nearby - We strive for an exquisite growth, and let your shopping desire flow... let's touch and go.... oh yes, lets.

Astra Zeneca Announces UK Coup

A billboard announcing either AstraZeneca's latest antacid breakthrough - or their successful coup and takeover of the UK. Apparently they gave out free samples at curry shops throughout the country, knowing that chicken korma was now the most popular dish (and heartburn was now commonplace in the adult population). I guess if you don't capitulate now they will cause further pain and gastric distress, as illustrated in the background. I love the reassuring scientist/spokesman in the pristine lab coat, as well as the (admittedly interesting if difficult to read) AZ logo emblazoned on the podium (and the new UK flag behind him). Also the antidote packet he offers, a mere 5 pounds a pill; added incentive to anyone who ever fancies a curry again...

Instant Witch

A costume in the bargain bin at Toys R Us. Looks like its been in there awhile. Not sure why though; who wouldn't want an instant witch? Just add water and stand back, and poof! Your very own pissed-off, mildly chubby Denny's waitress, complete with hectoring voice, press-on nails, ill-fitting hat, unflattering peasant blouse, and years of resentment. Not to worry though, unless you're her ex-husband...

Dog Owners Don't Give a Crap

I continue to be struck by the ridiculous level of attention (and money) people lavish on dogs here, but the laziness and arrogance of their owners is even more stunning. For every 'responsible' owner or helper who carries baggies and a squirt bottle to (marginally) clean up after their pet, there seem to be two more who leave it for someone else. Of course they then glare defiantly at anyone unfortunate enough to witness thier pet shitting on the sidewalk, like they are not culpable, but actually entitled to leave feces wherever they please. Hell why not just take a dump in the street yourself? What's the difference really? And who are you to point out that shitting in the street isn't such a good idea? They own a dog, thank you very much...

As with most major cities (though not Tokyo I noticed) dog shit in the streets and parks is a constant nuisance in HK. The (unfortunately) few areas clearly marked 'no dogs allowed' are quickly taken over by dogs anyway, and their owners bristle when politely reminded of the sign they just walked past. They seem to genuinely believe they are exempt from such silly things as laws or public hygiene.

I have no intrinsic hatred of dogs - i actually feel sorry for some of the more freakish breeds - but i have developed an intense dislike for city dog owners. As I tell my daughters when pressed to get one ourselves: dogs are much happier in the country or the woods, not cooped up in a flat all day. They are not meant to be in cities, and their owners (with obvious exceptions - the elderly, 'seeing eye' etc) - can't expect everyone else to indulge their selfishness, ignorance or vanity.

Aah! Its... Zombie Nutcracker!

Here's the final Hallo Wind-sor installment, featuring that all-time classic horror icon, the zombie nutcracker. Who can forget this archetypal character of yore? What, you've never heard of the Zombie Nutcracker? You need to get out more my friend...

Hallo Wind-sor... Hallowind Sor?

Windsor Place's odd attempt at a haunted house. Behold the much anticipated 'Hallo Wind-sor" - complete with bloody eyeballs for the o's - now that's quality. Not sure if that's supposed to be 'hallowind sor' or 'wind sore'; neither sounds fun. There' s also the odd inclusion of a snake eye in the stone wall above the sign, but I'm sure its purpose is revealed inside. This wasn't open when I dropped by, but from the outside I assume its not good for little kids. Hong Kongers tend to really overdue the gruesome aspects of halloween, displaying way too much gore for kiddies. Even HK Disney is guilty of this; we were warned in no uncertain terms to avoid the haunted house there, as kids were coming out crying and screaming, attempting to burrow into their parents chests to escape the nightmares within.



Anyway here are a few of the highlights from outside. including a rather perplexed giant jack-o-lantern, and a truly disturbing Michael Jackson-esque new wave zombie. Not that Jacko needed any zombie makeup...