Crunchatize Me Cap'n!

A quick post after a long break. I needed something to kick off the dust, get me motivated to blong again. And nothing invigorates you like a gum-shredding, sugar-jagging "bowl o’ the Cap’n’. His unsettling floating eyebrows notwithstanding, I’m happy to return that snappy salute. Crunchatize the world, Cap’n!

crunchatize
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AmericanSoft - We Love Soft Green Tea Cookies

A cookie from Japan. A few choice nuggets here - first the name is truly inspired. I can only imagine they are referring to those disquieting ‘soft-baked’ cookies from Pepperidge Farm(?), that have a shelf life of twelve years and maintain their ‘softness’ throughout. Who knows what preservatives/embalming fluids they use to accomplish that. Also these are green tea flavored cookies; while chocolate and green tea is actually quite popular in Japan (and tastes great actually), I would venture that the vast majority of Americans are a) unaware that green tea exists, and b) would never intentionally eat green tea-flavored cookies, no matter how gooey soft they may be. Unless forced to of course, say while trapped in a Japanese import store during one of those increasingly popular zombie outbreaks…

americansoft
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Make the Fun Girls Invented Booty Roller Squad From Onaland Insweat

Make the Fun Girls Invented Booty Roller Squad From Onaland Insweat. But of course...

makethefun
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The Ultimate Whitening Pair - Crush & Eject

Yet another whitening product. This has become a huge business in Asia, some women going for actual bleaching, which leads to an odd juxtaposition of white face and tan/brown body. And its beyond going for a ‘Western’ skin color - Japanese and Chinese traditions of beauty both glorify alabaster complexions, ‘pale moonlit’ princesses etc.

Still what caught my eye is the bizarre use of ‘crush’ and ‘eject’ - words not usually employed for beauty products after all. Also the beauty mask looks haunted, even malevolent (perhaps due to the violet back-glow?). And whats with the flying puzzle pieces? So crushing and ejecting will simultaneously implode and explode your problem skin? That doesn’t sound too pleasant. But as the saying goes, ‘beauty knows no pain’…

crusheject
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Pearly Gates - Master Bunny Edition

From the Sogo department store in Causeway Bay. Pearly Gates is a Japanese golf clothing brand; of course to Westerners the term refers to the gates to heaven, so I’m honestly not sure what they’re trying for with name. Golf wear fit for heaven? Or golf wear that will smite you down and send you there? But the odd brand name is surpassed by their latest rollout (hard to read but on the golf bag): ‘Master Bunny Edition’.

masterbunnygates

I’m usually wary of using the now hackneyed expression, but its apropos here. WTF? What do bunnies have to do with golf? Was ‘master edition’ too straightforward somehow? “We’re named pearly gates, we have to make it sound odd - how about master bunny?”
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The Fashion Trough is Actuality, Not Novelty

A definite keeper from my brother Matt, this one from Croatia. Always good to be reminded that brutalizing English is a global pastime. “The fashion trough” is a particularly memorable concept if nothing else.

fashiontrough

Also its creator had a go at brutalizing English grammar as well, and to devastating effect: ’The fashion trough the spo(rt) is actuality it’is not’ a. novelty that is sport.’ Number 10. You know I never thought of it that way...
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Sunderball, Decorative Light for Tomorrow

An unfortunately rushed, blurry shot of a toy in Wanchai. The owner had your typical hypocritical reaction to photographing in his knockoff laden store, i.e. ‘How dare you take pictures of my illegal copyright violations! You insult all of China!” Needless to say I don’t’ think this product is actually a knockoff. Also I don’t see any self respecting company suing to protect the rights to ‘SUNDERBALL, decorative light for tomorrow’…

sunderball1

sunderball2

Yes in the future, all decorative lighting will consist of science experiment plasma globes like this one. Nobody will get any work done of course, as they will be too entranced by the mesmerizing dance between lightning and flesh. And the lights will have names that have absolutely nothing to do with lighting–or sundering
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She Loves SUITS

A woman’s business attire retailer in Sapporo. I suppose the name is straightforward enough, but that’s not a phrase you’ll hear every day, if ever. “Yeah one thing about the wife. She loves suits.” Have to say the magenta mannequin doesn’t exactly work for me either, though compared to some mannequins its rather tame. Far better than the headless/mutilated variety, or those with heads like anvils (and yes I’ve seen an anvil-headed mannequin). I suppose the only question here is how much she actually loves them. Is she willing to die for suits? To kill for them if necessary? I pray we never have to find out…

shelovessuits
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