Crunchatize Me Cap'n!

A quick post after a long break. I needed something to kick off the dust, get me motivated to blong again. And nothing invigorates you like a gum-shredding, sugar-jagging "bowl o’ the Cap’n’. His unsettling floating eyebrows notwithstanding, I’m happy to return that snappy salute. Crunchatize the world, Cap’n!

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Diverchok. Snow White's Favorite

An unfortunately blurry shot of a Spanish cookie in Wan Chai. Who do I know its from Spain? Says so right there! And Diverchok sounds so spanish, yes? Or should I say Si

I’m guessing Diverchok is an attempt at mashing ‘diverse’ with ‘choc’, which is a common term for chocolate (outside the US). Still its not the most appetizing of names, a rather sharp edged word in contrast to eternally soft-focused Snow and her lil’ birdy companion. Just can’t see her in a glade surrounded by songbirds, extolling the joys of diverchok in dulcet tones...

diverchok snow white
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AmericanSoft - We Love Soft Green Tea Cookies

A cookie from Japan. A few choice nuggets here - first the name is truly inspired. I can only imagine they are referring to those disquieting ‘soft-baked’ cookies from Pepperidge Farm(?), that have a shelf life of twelve years and maintain their ‘softness’ throughout. Who knows what preservatives/embalming fluids they use to accomplish that. Also these are green tea flavored cookies; while chocolate and green tea is actually quite popular in Japan (and tastes great actually), I would venture that the vast majority of Americans are a) unaware that green tea exists, and b) would never intentionally eat green tea-flavored cookies, no matter how gooey soft they may be. Unless forced to of course, say while trapped in a Japanese import store during one of those increasingly popular zombie outbreaks…

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Vessel in the Strawberry Fog

A candy bar from Japan. Apparently this is a ‘reissue’ of a product popular in the 80s. Its suffused with air bubbles, which make it especially smooth and ‘airy’. Perhaps the fog is trapped within?

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No one seems to know where the ominous sounding name comes from, however. Or why a strawberry version would be appropriate. Perhaps undead pirates need a pick me up before they ride said fog into shore to wreak revenge on the living, and some of them have chocolate allergies. Which would really suck if you were an undead pirate…
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No Durian Allowed

A helpful warning at our hotel in Penang Malaysia, reminding guests that the infamously odorous fruit is not allowed on the premises. For those of you not aware of this ‘delicacy’, durian is a large soft textured fruit that smells like shit and/or vomit (and that’s being kind; others have described it as pig-shit with turpentine, medical waste, and gym socks). Aficionados insist that the flesh is succulent with a consistency like custard, superior in texture and smoothness to almost all other fruit. Having tried it (in the form of a custard cake roll) I can safely place myself in the former category. The only thing I’ve personally ever tried that was worse is Nattō, a Japanese ‘delicacy’ composed of slimy, decaying mung beans that has the taste and consistency of fresh vomit (someone else’s). But alas that experience is for another post. I can honestly say if given a chance you should try durian, if for no other reason than to have a baseline for the worst thing you’ve ever tasted…

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Eau de Pizza Hut

For all you Pizza Hutters(?) who secretly wished you could smell just like your favorite mutant pizza. No, really. Just looky here:



From an official fluff press release:

“Taking a cue from Internet nerd culture, Canada’s Pizza Hut has launched a marketing campaign based on a joke from its Facebook page: the creation of Pizza Hut perfume. The joke turned into a reality when the food chain’s advertising agency thought it would be a great way to commemorate its milestone of reaching 100,000 Facebook fans.

But sadly, Eau de Pizza Hut, a scent “boasting top notes of freshly baked, hand-tossed dough,” (my italics) will only be shipped to a few of said fans. ”For now, we’ve only produced 110 bottles of Eau de Pizza Hut,” said Beverley D’Cruz, marketing and product development director for Pizza Hut Canada. ”But who knows what the future has in store,” she added. Until then, the rest of us will have to smell like Pizza Hut pizza the old-fashioned way.”

Which I suppose means rubbing a spare slice all over your face and chest? Oh to be one of those lucky 110, or their girlfriends. Assuming they have girlfriends. Well if they don’t now, they most certainly will after splashing on some of this instant chick magnet. After all, what sexy lady can ignore ‘top notes of hand-tossed dough’?
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Barbeque Shapes - Cheddar Too!

A quick post - seems Arnott’s couldn’t decide on a proper name, so they just went with ‘shapes’. Not sure if that’s just incredibly lazy or intentionally obscure on their part. Still some poor soul spent a good deal of time on the logotype, which also sucks have to say. If you get something to work with like this, couldn’t you try something interesting? At least several different… shapes?



Also the fact that they have hexagonal barbecue shapes and rectangular cheddar shapes makes no sense. Does anyone care? Is anyone blindly reaching into the box, then feeling relieved when they feel eight sides? Whew - thank god these aren’t those rectangular cheddars. Perhaps they use them to train chimps to sign?

Finally the moniker doesn’t exactly make you want to rush out and buy some. You know what I could go for right about now? Some shapes!

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Bacon Sundae (510 cal) vs. Bacon Shake (1000+ cal)

A slight departure from our normal offerings. It seems Burger King (or BK Lounge as we used to call it back in the day) has gone all in (no I will not say ‘whole hog’ so don’t ask) with their new Bacon Sundae. And at only 510 calories, it actually clocks in lower than a sizable chunk of their usual menu! I have to say I’ve never had a hankering for a bacon/ice cream combo, but the Americans I polled guiltily admitted that they’d give it a shot.



Upon further investigation, I discovered that Jack in the Box already has a 1,081 calorie Bacon Shake, which they proudly released months earlier.



This is the kind of thing that makes it difficult to defend the US of A. It’s not even funny really, or at least ironic like a bacon tuxedo or bacon tree (yes those exist) or the annual Spam carving contest in Seattle. This is just wrong, both morally and dietarily...

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Cheesy 7 - When 6 Just Won't Do

Yet another local Pizza Hut abomination. I assume this had something to do with the Hong Kong Sevens, (which to the uninitiated is a seven-a-side rugby tournament that’s become the premier sports/carousing event in HK). I suppose the local marketing gurus thought they’d hit gold with this tie-in. ‘Cheesy 7’ has a nice ring to it-unless you know American slang of course. In the US cheesy can also mean overdone and/or inauthentic. But what about the meticulously assembled ‘7’ composed of the namesake cheese wedges? Now that’s quality. Actually that’s a ton of work for the poor designer tasked with constructing a ‘realistic’ rendering in Photoshop, but I digress.

Still, who wouldn’t want 7 different kinds of cheese on their pizza? Nowadays mere ‘mozzarella and a dusting of parmesan’ just doesn’t cut it for avant-garde pizza aficionados. But adding 5 more, including cream cheese? Wham! Now you’re talking! You’re talking about 1500 calories a slice…

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Cubic Pastry

Lately I’ve had a strange hankering for something cubic, preferably composed of dried and pressed pork shreddings. Looks like I’m in luck. Oh joy.

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Chocoseum - Mona Lisa's Smile in Stamped Chocolate

A surreal brand of cookies from South Korea. Just the thing to satisfy one’s all-too-common craving for small chocolate biscuit cookies stamped to resemble famous iconic paintings. In fact just writing about it makes me want to visit the ‘Chocoseum’ post-haste! I wonder if they have Munch’s ‘The Scream’...

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Sichuan Saliva Chicken

I think this speaks for itself; no need to dwell on what and/or whose saliva. That its listed under ‘appetizers’ makes it even more poignant. Unappetizers perhaps?

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God Makes You Try Pop Pop Pizza

Looks like Pizza Hut has brought in the Big Man himself to get his flock (or these rapturous HK ladies at least) to partake of their latest contraption pizza, the ‘Pop Pop’. Have to say it would take divine intervention to get me to try this abomination: sausage buds (with squirt bottle mayo), garlic shrimp, hot dog chunks, pineapple, and what appears to be twisty cheddar/mozzarella nuggets. Love the enticing platters in the background showing the various ingredients on cheeseboards with garnishes - just like in a real Pizza Hut kitchen! Not sure where the Popping occurs though. Perhaps its the sound of your stomach wall rupturing as God forces you to eat a monstrous slice of ‘pizza’ that weighs more than you do...

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The Pizza Gods Are NOT Smiling

A new addition to the ranks of unnecessary food innovations - the ‘pretzel pizza’. Seems the folks at Auntie Anne’s Pretzelwerks weren’t content with unsettlingly phallic ‘hotdogs in pretzel dough’ (see epicureans on the go - 26/11/2010). Now they’ve scandalized the Pizza Gods themselves with their latest travesty. And lo the Pizza Gods are not smiling. They are perhaps relieved that the ‘pretzel pizza’ is at least flat, and not pretzelized somehow (or worse pocket-shaped , the ultimate abomination). But they cannot be happy with another mutation. Why must companies constantly crank stuff like this out? Who craves a pretzel dough pizza? Why can’t they just stick to what works? And what of the Pretzel Gods? Are they smiling? No, they are weeping, dear friends. Weeping.

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Real Kebab Adventure!

From our friends at Istanbul Express. I have to say I’ve never eaten there, so I can’t attest to the taste etc, and honestly would love to have one - or as the Brits say, “I fancy a kebab”. But I’m not sure I want to make an ‘adventure’ out of it. If I wanted to do that, I’d take it upon myself to find out what those pillars of ‘meat’ are actually made of...

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The Hardest Scratch-Resistant Coating Since the Formation of the Swiss Alps!

From the Star Ferry - Again with the new innovation. Seems our friends at Stoneline have done it again - terracota +induction?! They have apparently achieved, nay surpassed the Holy Grail of scratch resistance - the hardness of the original Swiss Alps! And we all know how scratch resistant the newly formed Alps were...

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Waste of Fire-Wielding Talent?

A billboard ad for a local duck specialty restaurant. Seems like a waste of the man’s impressive mutant fire-wielding powers, but then again that looks like one perfectly roasted duck...

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Understand Classical: Witch-hatted Garlic Cloves Signify Roast Pig's Knuckles

Another selection from the previously mentioned menu. Nothing says classic Beijing cuisine like roast pig’s knuckles, and nothing signifies classic pig’s knuckles quite like a pair of witch-hatted cloves of garlic. Obvious really...

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Even if the Trend is Changing, the Same is to Adhere to Taste - The Trendy Options

A bold, farsighted quote from the ‘trendy’ menu section of a Beijing area restaurant. I’m guessing they are trying to say something like new recipes still need to taste good. I could get the characters properly translated, but why spoil the mystique? And as quotes go, it’s far more thought provoking this way. Although I can’t say it made their entrees taste any better...

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A Bucket of 12 Inch Gummi Nightcrawler Bait - Yummi!

From the quickie mart store in Beijing. As someone who hates Gummi bears and other similar candy, I can’t speak to how long these things have been around, but I can speak to the uniquely unappetizing thought of eating a 12 inch long Gummi nightcrawler worm from a bucket. I didn’t check to see if they were packed in moist dirt like real nightcrawlers, though that would add undeniable authenticity...

Perhaps I’m not alone in my disgust, seeing as they had a veritable tower of the stuff sitting untouched for a week (on sale for 1/2 off to boot). The mind boggles at what the good folks at Gummi Works will think of next: how about a bucket of Gummi Small Intestines? 36 feet of chewilicious gummy joy! Or maybe a bucket of Gummi Meal Worms or Gummi Chum, to expand on their bait-as-candy motif...

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Dreamy Pie Vs. O!Karto

Two products available in the window of a nearby gas station’s food mart. I was just going to post about the relative merits of dreamy pies: so dreamy, so pie-y. But then I noticed the O!Karto faux french fries. So O!-y, so karto-y... So I now have a conundrum: dreamy pie or O!Kartos? And then I saw the Lay’s Kyushi Seaweed potato chips beside them (hard to read I know). Decisions, decisions... oh who am I kidding - gotta go with dreamy pie! Though I would advise caution regarding Lott’s less popular dark chocolate option, Nightmare Cake...

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