chinglish

AmericanSoft - We Love Soft Green Tea Cookies

A cookie from Japan. A few choice nuggets here - first the name is truly inspired. I can only imagine they are referring to those disquieting ‘soft-baked’ cookies from Pepperidge Farm(?), that have a shelf life of twelve years and maintain their ‘softness’ throughout. Who knows what preservatives/embalming fluids they use to accomplish that. Also these are green tea flavored cookies; while chocolate and green tea is actually quite popular in Japan (and tastes great actually), I would venture that the vast majority of Americans are a) unaware that green tea exists, and b) would never intentionally eat green tea-flavored cookies, no matter how gooey soft they may be. Unless forced to of course, say while trapped in a Japanese import store during one of those increasingly popular zombie outbreaks…

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Extravagance Purple Blue Tone Hair Laurel Crown-one Head - Very Stylish!

A bizarre (even by cantopop) standards) hairstyle for Aaron Kwok. I swear this guy must never sleep - he’s in every major canto movie, does an album and concert tour for laughs, and pimps half the mens’ products available here. While this getup can’t quite match the bubblegum crown from his last concert series, it still qualifies in its own right; woven hair crown and gold lame suit anyone? I keep thinking something is lost in translation, but locals tell me there is really no rhyme or reason to it. Apparently the more bizarre the better. And it doesn’t have anything to do with the actual songs, album title, etc.

aaronbluecrown

Morbidly curious despite this, I googled it and came across this great chinglish mash up. This is from an actual website - obviously whoever posted ran it through a translator:
William Chang exquisite real hair materials, as material woven of a two-tiered crown. Shots the Youyi extravagance purple blue tone, while this feature is of the double crown and Aaron Kwok hair like connected together, do hair laurel crown-one head, very stylish! Aaron said: 'Uncle design really ingenuity, and a sense of humor, especially hair stylist and Herman will crown woven into two levels, the a metaphorical new dance Pro feast concert again presents, but the show process will reinstall feeding both metaphorical also doing good idea! 'Though it may take nearly three hours to change hair surgery, but Aaron are completely happy!
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Make the Fun Girls Invented Booty Roller Squad From Onaland Insweat

Make the Fun Girls Invented Booty Roller Squad From Onaland Insweat. But of course...

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Pearly Gates - Master Bunny Edition

From the Sogo department store in Causeway Bay. Pearly Gates is a Japanese golf clothing brand; of course to Westerners the term refers to the gates to heaven, so I’m honestly not sure what they’re trying for with name. Golf wear fit for heaven? Or golf wear that will smite you down and send you there? But the odd brand name is surpassed by their latest rollout (hard to read but on the golf bag): ‘Master Bunny Edition’.

masterbunnygates

I’m usually wary of using the now hackneyed expression, but its apropos here. WTF? What do bunnies have to do with golf? Was ‘master edition’ too straightforward somehow? “We’re named pearly gates, we have to make it sound odd - how about master bunny?”
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The Fashion Trough is Actuality, Not Novelty

A definite keeper from my brother Matt, this one from Croatia. Always good to be reminded that brutalizing English is a global pastime. “The fashion trough” is a particularly memorable concept if nothing else.

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Also its creator had a go at brutalizing English grammar as well, and to devastating effect: ’The fashion trough the spo(rt) is actuality it’is not’ a. novelty that is sport.’ Number 10. You know I never thought of it that way...
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She Loves SUITS

A woman’s business attire retailer in Sapporo. I suppose the name is straightforward enough, but that’s not a phrase you’ll hear every day, if ever. “Yeah one thing about the wife. She loves suits.” Have to say the magenta mannequin doesn’t exactly work for me either, though compared to some mannequins its rather tame. Far better than the headless/mutilated variety, or those with heads like anvils (and yes I’ve seen an anvil-headed mannequin). I suppose the only question here is how much she actually loves them. Is she willing to die for suits? To kill for them if necessary? I pray we never have to find out…

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Mr. Smoky - For Men with Good Taste

A fine coffee from our friends at ‘Fire’ in Japan. Nothing hits the spot on a cold Hokkaido morning quite like a hot can of Mr. Smoky. Its smoked coffee for men with good taste, like myself. Its also ‘the coffee with deep aroma’. Deep smoky aroma, not like those other brands with their ‘shallow moist’ aroma. And that’s MIster Smoky to you, pal…

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Potato Boy is Zyagatakun

From our hotel in Niseko in Hokkaido Japan, home to some of the best skiing in the world, or so I’m told. Unfortunately I pulled my quad first day out. Still, my wife and daughters enjoyed the deep powder, which really was remarkable. Anyway Hokkaido is known for its excellent milk all across Asia, but in Japan its also famed for its potatoes. So it comes as no surprise then that the local mascot is a skiing potato, which I admit is preferable to a skiing dairy cow. He is a ‘zyagatakun’ which I’m guessing translates loosely as ‘local specialty character’. Mangled grammar notwithstanding–‘So,It’ s’ very Popular character – the fact remains he is very popular. They have a fireman version on the local firehouse, and Potato Boy graces street signs and tourist kitsch all over town. And in the interest of full disclosure, he did his job; at the end of our trip, I bought that t-shirt…

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Enigmatic Fabric No. C555 Contains ‘Fabric'

From a high end clothier in Sapporo Japan. Not made in Canton of course, which is probably for the better. Canton isn’t exactly famous as a fashion hub, even for overalls (that would be Topeka). Actually outside of the NFL hall of fame, there’s really nothing to recommend it, or Ohio for that matter. But I digress. This is the official signage that greets passerby:

fabriccontaining

Organic cotton, check. Carefully selected (for) quality and production region, check. But best of all, the enigmatically named ‘Fabric No. C555’ contains fabric, the most important thing discriminating shoppers look for in a… fabric.
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Rise to Coma Fortunate

A t-shirt in Causeway Bay. As a rule I generally don’t take shots of people without asking first (which I rarely do anyway), but this one was too bewildering to pass up. And she helpfully stood still for a full minute while I struggled to find my iPhone and take this admittedly poor shot.

comafortunate coma-icon

First off there’s the utterly incongruous laundry recommendation icons across the top. What do they possibly have to do with comas? Are they to help the nursing staff when they launder it? And the tagline: rise to (a) coma fortunately? Is there anything fortunate about a coma? Not to be overly morbid, but the only thing less fortunate is dying. Though I suppose you do have a slim chance to wake up from a coma at least, so there’s that. Maybe she’s just an extraordinarily positive person…
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Cheesy Opera & Double Layers Indulgence

Yet another bizarre (though admittedly tame by their standards) local Pizza Hut abomination. Of course to American ears cheesy is slang for ‘unsubtle, and/or inauthentic’. Needless to say it’s not the ideal term for selling anything, even in the context of pizza and/or toppings. And speaking of toppings, this latest atrocity has ‘double layers indulgence’–an entire pizza mashed onto another, then loaded down with salami and scallops. The traditional repast of opera patrons everywhere apparently. Well, those and cheap mozzarella cheese, and the more the better! I especially love the scallop shell arrangement on the left. Very elegant, very… operatic? Now if I can just figure out a way to smuggle this double layered indulgence into the next performance of ‘Carmen’…

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Frost Bag & Bearing the Thought of Being Alone

A Japanese gift bag(?) from Wanchai. Not sure what ‘frost’ has to do with it, though I’m assuming it’s referring to the doily and lace imprints. It’s not exactly freezer ready/food storage material…

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Regardless the more unsettling aspect is the blurb lining the bag itself. I understand the ‘lost in translation’ aspect of this–Hell I have an entire category devoted to them. But this has got to be the creepiest, most desperate copy I think I’ve ever come across. “I can’t bear the thought of being alone?” Who wants a gift with that written on it? Or more to the point, who’d want to hang out with someone who gave them this? Perhaps you wouldn’t be alone all the time if you chose better gift bags. A start at least. Just saying…
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Wbreze is SO Champagne

A t-shirt in Mongkok. Have to admit I agree with the sentiment: wbreze is so champagne. One of those obvious points that so often gets overlooked in our hustle-bustle modern age, when time just wbrezes by. Actually the best feature of this shirt is the random letters that form the word cloud around the ‘SO’. Oh and the built in collar and shirt tails are straight champagne…

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Manly Fashion Socks

From an ‘everything’ store in Wanchai. Unfortunately these are not: a) manly, b) fashionable, or c) socks. OK technically they’re socks but look at them! They look like they’re made of surgical paper tape. Like the barest legal definition of socks. I bet the octagenerians who buy them have no illusions about manliness or fashion quotient. Just toss them on the counter and be done with it. Its not like he’s thinking “The retirement center’s in for a real show now. Just wait ’til I lean out over my walker and expose my manly, fashionably swathed calves. Hellooo ladies…”

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Mega Mop (mini version) with Turbo Jet Propulsion

From a nearby domestic supply store. Seems the Mega Mop (mini version) is a big (small) seller. The wonderful juxtaposition of a mega/mini notwithstanding, this product also warranted inclusion here due to its unique power source. It is apparently able to harness the ‘theorem of Turbo Jet Propulsion to accelerate the spinning of gear/pinion’(note the handy embedded illustration of said gear).



One can only hope that the Mega Mop (mini version) doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. One shudders to think what that theorem could be applied to, and what havoc one could wreak with a turbo jet pro pulsed miniaturized mop and an agenda. Domestic terrorism indeed…
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Blue Hair - We Provide with Good English Services

A twofer in Wanchai. Not only a great name for a hair salon - assuming your clientele composed of aged matrons who go in for the ‘blue hair’ affect of course (and the occasional Katy Perry wannabe too I suppose). But its also a striking example of almost surreally poor advertising.

First, the name. The ‘blue hair’ phenomena is one I’ve never understood btw; in fact in the US its become slang for the poor, mostly white older women who actually get the treatment. But how does making your gray/white hair blue make it somehow more attractive, or draw less attention to it? It’s like a cruel joke perpetuated by a fashion color theorist, insisting that a blue tinge somehow makes white hair look more dignified or pleasantly contrasting.



Fortunately the folks at blue hair are happy to answer such questions, especially those in English. Note to proprietor: if you are going to advertise your superior English services, at least get the grammar on your signage correct…
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Goldenrukkai Mowhawk of NY

A t-shirt for sale in Wanchai. There are a ton of faux Abercrombie tees here, as well as a disquieting number of real ones. I personally have never cared for the entire ‘walking billboard/free advertising’ aspect of such things, but oh well. Regardless this one is truly inspired, if for no other reason than for the debut the newly minted mystery word Goldenrukkai

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Bear Beer. OK This is Too Easy

A new(?) beer in 7-11. Always wondered what beer bears drink? Well now you know. Didn’t’ know there were any bears in Hong Kong. Must be Canadian.

Apparently they aren’t held to the infamous 7-11 ’no shirt no shoes no service’ code that we humans are - though I think that’s enforced more in North America than here in HK.

Then again who’s going to bring that up to a bear? He’s probably already had a bad day, and tapping his shoulder and saying excuse me sir you’re not wearing shoes or a shirt (or pants for that matter) will only turn out badly. Just politely smile, take his money and let him be on his way.

Any of those f**king porcupines come acting like they own the place, though….

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Even You Will be Dandled by Peek-A-Boo-Zoo

A rather innocuous toy from Wan Chai. The toys themselves are rather boring, typical Hell O’Kitty knockoffs. At least they’re available in more than just ‘Cat’, as you can choose from ‘Sheep, Bear and Rabit’. One hopes rabit is not a combo of rabid and rabbit.



Anyway the bit that really caught my wandering eye was the package copy:

‘Babies love to be dandled(?) with Peek-A-Boo. Not only babies, even you will be delighted with the actions.

Thats right, even you will be ‘dandled’ with delight, which sounds vaguely perverse. And last but not least the mysterious kicker: ‘Contains two songs’…
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Crookers w/ Style of Eye & The Heavy

A concert poster from Lisbon. I was devastated to find that I just missed the Crookers (not to be confused with those wannabe poseurs The Crooks). To say nothing of the warm up band, Style of Eye.

I also missed Gentleman, who were *finally* joining forces with The Heavy (not sure if they mean the movie villain archetype or just something that weighs a lot), and seasoned vets Pow Pow Movement.

It seems the global trend of brutalizing English words and/or American slang continues unabated, even in places that should know better, like Portugal. And this despite actual fines; apparently in France you must now pay a substantial fine to the Ministry of Culture for using English words instead of French in any advertising. Sacred Blue!

Ironically the best name out of the bunch is the hardest to see - Like the Man Said, in the lower left corner. I’d pay serious euros to see them. It would also give me a chance to get rid of my soon-to-be worthless euros, but I digress…

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Chocoseum - Mona Lisa's Smile in Stamped Chocolate

A surreal brand of cookies from South Korea. Just the thing to satisfy one’s all-too-common craving for small chocolate biscuit cookies stamped to resemble famous iconic paintings. In fact just writing about it makes me want to visit the ‘Chocoseum’ post-haste! I wonder if they have Munch’s ‘The Scream’...

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Have Very Strong Power to Run in Water and Land is Very Easy

A throwaway post-xmas offering. Another toy from the same store as super copter alloy helicopter. A bit hard to read unfortunately. Seems that the ‘RC’ has full functions: stop, back up, advance, right and left turn (nice of them to include the left option). And just look at those tires! I wonder if they’re made of super copter alloy adapted for terrestrial usage. Regardless, its strongest powers are to ‘run in water, and land is very easy also’ as well...

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Super Copter Alloy

A remote controlled copter for sale in Mongkok. Rather boring to be honest, not much to look at. But wait, its made out of ‘super copter alloy’! Stronger than titanium, lighter than spider silk! Why, its well nigh indestructible! Better snap this up before the various government and military players descend on the store to confiscate it...

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Good + Good = 2 Goods = Double Plus Good?

A tourist trap t-shirt merchant near the Ladies Market, no doubt stocked with the usual ‘Lost in Hong Kong’ and ‘Bruce Lee is my Homeboy’ selections. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on your sense of taste and/or irony) the classic American ‘My [insert relative] went to Hong Kong and all I got was this lousy t-shirt’ was not visible from the street. And ‘have a nice tee’ is certainly a clever if ill-fitting tagline. Oh well, at least they’re doing their small part to educate shoppers on tried and true mercantile skills like basic arithmetic. Or maybe it’s a clever Orwellian reference, a nod ‘Double Plus Good’ from 1984? Or not.

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Elvis Whoppie Twist vs. Red Velvet Whoppie Pie

A new (and unfortunately hard to read) Starbucks offering, the Elvis Whoppie Twist. Don’t know if a ‘whoppie’ is a traditional British item, but pairing Elvis with anything will surely kick it up a notch, no? I assume the twist is a reference to his famed hip gyrations? He didn’t sing ‘The Twist’ though, did he? I think that was Fats Domino.



Anyway, assuming they go for authenticity, it should be basketball-sized and feed 15+ people just like Elvis’ favorite sandwich, the infamous ‘Mile High Sandwich’ (officially called the ‘Fool's Gold Loaf’). For those of who unschooled in Elvis lore, this consists of a 4-pound loaf of hollowed-out buttered white bread filled with peanut butter, grape jelly, and burnt bacon. It is then deep-fried for good measure. It would serve 4-20 mortals - or one Elvis.

Of course if you’re looking for a more appropriately sized whoppie to tide you over, there’s always the Red Velvet Whoppie Pie (a remarkable name in its own right)...



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Ice Means Jewellery, Oream Means Cash

A hoodie for sale in Wanchai. Not sure what ‘oream’ is - I assume that’s supposed to be ‘cream’? Not that that would make sense either. I had to snap this photo rather hurriedly, as knock-off stores such as this ironically don’t take kindly to people taking pictures of their copyright violations. I’m assuming this is supposed to be funny in a hip-hopster way? Can’t say that I’m up on my hip hop phraseology, but ‘ice means jewellery, cream means cash’ certainly sounds like your typical tepid faux gansta cliche.

Anyway the last line says ‘the two things which make the’. And that’s it. Make the what exactly? Make the native English speakers snicker? Or maybe I’m completely naive, and ice oream really does make the...

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The Bowl & Bowl Cafe

The restaurant at the world famous bowling alley in the SCAA in Causeway Bay. It actually took me a minute to get the pun; have to say I was not helped by the bizarre graphic of a half fork/half bowling pin hydrid. Bowl and bowl, get it? Like a bowl of noodles, right? Though one can’t go ‘bowling’ with bowls...hmmm. Having the first word italicized doesn’t help either...

I was gladdened by the smiling bowling ball next to it, however. Clever! And rather creepy actually. I don’t know if I want to put my fingers in a bowling ball’s eyes, or my thumb in his mouth, even if he does look friendly. He obviously thinks the world of that bowling pin though...



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Life Begins From Here

A store window in Beijing. Apparently life begins not at conception, or after you’ve graduated, or even with a dream. It begins with a complete set of discount chinese crockery at low low prices. Or does it emanate from the mouth of the odd, crazy-eyed lion dog on the right?

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Dodge-Em Tricky Action

One of the last of the trove that is the Heritage Museum. I thought they couldn’t top ‘Mr. Smash’, but ‘Dodge-Em Tricky Action’ gives him a run for his money. I love the innocent little ‘duck and cover’ kids riding the bumper cars; I especially love that some bored museum employee posed the little girl shaking her fist at the rapscallion little boy who’s about to ram her. Hopefully she’ll employ some artful dodge-em tricky action and send him flying into the patriotic border ring...

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Placenta Infiltration Therapy

A new skin treatment at a local spa. Bizarre enough phrasing to proudly stand alone, though it does make one wonder exactly whose placenta is being infiltrated, and how...

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Cringe-Inducing Cardoor Kitsche on a Hover Car

A cardoor decoration from Beijing. I initially stopped to get a picture of the car’s name, the ‘Hover’, which is apparently a new SUV from a Chinese car company called Great Wall - no really. I hope they weren’t trying to rhyme with ‘Rover’. If so, someone in their international marketing dept. needs to brush up on their English. Also they might want to know that ‘hover car’ has obvious futuristic connotations; I assume people arent’ buying this vehicle with the expectation that it will in fact well, hover. By the way what ever happened to the flying cars we were all supposed to have by now? Maybe Great Wall has something up their sleeves, hopefully more practical than their namesake landmark...

But I digress. as I stopped to shoot the aforementioned quirky name I saw what I thought was an oddly colored door pad, only to realize that this was a novelty item the owner had no doubt purchased while very, very drunk. Having a set of fingers trapped in a cardoor is the most unsettling car decoration i’ve ever seen, far more than the old ‘cabbage patch baby hanging by its fingers in the car window’ that thankfully fell out of favor years ago. This is cringe, even nightmare-inducing stuff for anyone who’s ever actually done this, ie slammed their fingers in a car door. I literally pulled my hand back in reflexive horror when I saw it. Suffice it to say it doesn’t make the car hover any better either...



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LUCID CUBE... Air Freshener or Dream Enhancer?

One of the odder taxi dashboard adornments I’ve seen - an air freshener named ‘LUCID CUBE’. Not sure if they had anything in mind other than ‘hey it rhymes!” A waste of a funky name really, as I can think of any number of interesting devices that could use a moniker like this, say a virtual reality generator, or an REM sleep brainwave booster. Maybe it really is a lucid dream enhancer disguised as a dashboard air freshener - which would explain why our driver kept weaving around unseen obstacles and driving like a waking nightmare...

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In the Blue Ocean Palace There Are Many Programs, Including Water-Larkishness

From a brochure for a resort outside of Beijing. Apparently Blue Ocean Palace has a hot spring pond whose grounds are constructed entirely from green jades. Wow. As if this were not enough, they claim to be the ‘first place in Beijing’ to boot; a veritable paradise of water sports (surfing and drifting) and spa treatments like ‘hydropathy-care’. Impressive lineup, but they also have venues for bowling, billiards and hairdressing. But it’s their singular ability to offer ‘water-larkishness’ that seals the deal for me. When’s the last time you were able to waterlark indoors? Exactly.



And as you can see by the accompanying shot of the pool, there is potential for water-larking aplenty. Never mind that the bizarre juxtaposition of stalactites, transplanted sections of cave wall, jade tiling, blimp hangar ceiling, and a flotilla of inflatable pool toys will melt your brain...

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No Magic Jackets or Better Safe Than Static

A warning sign from a Chinese gas station. Glad to see they’re covering all the bases. No matches, gas cans, sparks from metallic tool repairs, and most importantly no magic jackets.



Or is that static producing clothing (no matter how über-fashionable or yummy warm they may be)? Oh well as the ancient Chinese proverb goes, “better safe than static”. It sounds much more noble in the original Mandarin...

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Understand Classical: Witch-hatted Garlic Cloves Signify Roast Pig's Knuckles

Another selection from the previously mentioned menu. Nothing says classic Beijing cuisine like roast pig’s knuckles, and nothing signifies classic pig’s knuckles quite like a pair of witch-hatted cloves of garlic. Obvious really...

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Even if the Trend is Changing, the Same is to Adhere to Taste - The Trendy Options

A bold, farsighted quote from the ‘trendy’ menu section of a Beijing area restaurant. I’m guessing they are trying to say something like new recipes still need to taste good. I could get the characters properly translated, but why spoil the mystique? And as quotes go, it’s far more thought provoking this way. Although I can’t say it made their entrees taste any better...

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Close To The Distance Near Civilization

My first post from our Chinese New Year trip to Beijing. A sign from the men’s room at the Great Wall site at Mutianyu. A beguiling phrase to be sure, but its location raises even more intriguing questions...





Does this mean urinals equal civilization? So... being close to the distance near them is... hmmm. I thought this plaque was perhaps misplaced, but they were dutifully posted above the other ten urinal stations as well. I must have been missing something all these years, just staring blankly ahead while I did my business, unaware that I was on the very cusp of progress...
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Intense Social "punk" Rock Sand - Crazy Music Rise And Shine

Another t-shirt from the aforementioned Comical Kids winter lineup. I have no idea what they are attempting here, but it does have a nice cadence to it... I guess. Perhaps this is what Sid Vicious used to greet the morning (or late afternoon) with each day: Crazy Music Rise and Shine!

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Comical Kids Friends Towards the Horizon Courageous Rivers '53

A boy’s t-shirt on sale at Sogo. ‘Comical Kids’ is the brand name, and they’ve got some great unintentional material here. Seems they are exhorting young boys to look ’towards the horizon’ for ‘courageous rivers’, just like in ’53. Who can forget the madcap tots who ventured forth on that ill-fated 1953 expedition to find the fabled river of bravery?

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Dense Feeling Moment

An odd little toy from a bookstore in Causeway Bay. They have a whole raft of ‘european’ store fronts on sale, which are not made for any particular toy. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a coffee shop that goes by that name in any of the EU countries. but who knows? Maybe its tucked away on some cozy backstreet in London or Brussels, beckoning to the local intelligentsia and occasional tourist to come enjoy a good cup of joe and experience a truly condensed emotional instant...

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Dreamy Pie Vs. O!Karto

Two products available in the window of a nearby gas station’s food mart. I was just going to post about the relative merits of dreamy pies: so dreamy, so pie-y. But then I noticed the O!Karto faux french fries. So O!-y, so karto-y... So I now have a conundrum: dreamy pie or O!Kartos? And then I saw the Lay’s Kyushi Seaweed potato chips beside them (hard to read I know). Decisions, decisions... oh who am I kidding - gotta go with dreamy pie! Though I would advise caution regarding Lott’s less popular dark chocolate option, Nightmare Cake...

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Who's Absent? Super Delicious Food! Take it, its Yours!!!

Another truly bizarre ad for the Food Forum restaurants at Times Square (note the ‘TS’ on the soldier’s helmet - nice touch). Apparently if you’re present, you are eligible for some super delicious food - in fact you’re authorized to ‘just take it, its yours!!!’ The juxtapositions here are mind boggling: the aforementioned WWII grunt with a huge fork strapped to his back, carrying a grocery bag overflowing with oddly matched fresh produce; the utterly nonsensical headline; the obnoxious impossible to read warped font (it’s actually called ‘hobo’ and is one of the ugliest fonts ever devised); the WWII British bomber crashlanding in the background, after narrowly missing the airdropped giant pumpkins; and last but not least, the Iraq/Afghanistan-era US troops in the foreground, all dutifully waiting for chowtime, also equipped with monstrous utensils. I guess they need the extra large silverware to get into the pumpkins?

So what does ANY of this have to do with the various restaurants of the Food Forum? Nothing! Just follow orders, soldier! And if anyone tries to impede you as you fill your duffel with a veritable cornucopia of pineapples, grapes and radishes, well just impale them with your army issue giant golden fork. Take it, its yours!

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Illinois of Augustana Gusties

A t-shirt from Champion, from the Sogo dept. store in Causeway Bay. They have a ton of these faux American high school shirts, with innocuous fictitious names like Carbondale Vikings etc. But this one definitely takes the cake. Of course in alternate universe Illinois the Gusties are a bit of a legend, the only school to win consequetive state titles in both football and basketball twelve years in a row. I do think they mean Augustana of Illinois(?), which of course doesn’t really exist either. But hey who cares? Goooo Gusties! Blow ‘em away!

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